Tender Mercies

I'm realizing more and more that a lot of the struggles I get to experience have more to do with how I handle them and feel about them than the actual circumstances themselves. I'm constantly amazed at agency - the freedom to CHOOSE. I can't always control the circumstances of my life or situation, but I ALWAYS have control over how I FEEL and how I handle those circumstances. There are a lot of things in my life that I am inwardly conflicted about. I can't change those things. Some of them have nothing to do directly with MY life, but they have affected my life. It's unfair at how other peoples choices not only affect them, but also affect others. Choice, I have learned, is like throwing pebbles in a pond. The initial choice is made - the pebble in the pond - but it's consequences ripple out and affect not only the person who made the choice but all those who surround that individual. Even though I have the freedom to choose, I don't have the ability to choose the consequences nor whom those consequences affect. So even though it may, in theory, be MY choice, it doesn't affect JUST me, so it is selfish of me to make decisions that inversely affect others without taking them into consideration when making that choice. Another thing to consider is how some of those choices will affect people in my future - ie. spouse, children, etc. At times we make decisions that just get us through a difficult bump in the road or it was all we could do under difficult circumstances. Unfortunately those kind of choices have lingering consequences that affect future parties. For example, some choose to handle disappointment, discouragement, and depression with substance abuse, immorality, or with food. Those choices all have lingering effects, not only physical, but also emotional. The future party that then comes into your life gets to live with the consequences of those choices. I could probably go on and on...but I won't. So where do the tender mercies come in? I have learned and continue to learn how to deal with those consequences of others' choices that affect my life. I have no control over the circumstances and can't change the past, but I can choose how I feel about it. I have also leaned that if I handle those emotional difficulties with love and honesty, the outcome is one of understanding and love with no baggage to add to the future. I am learning to live in the moment. The past is something to learn from, but does us NO good to linger very long there because nothing in the past can change - it has passed. The future is something to look forward to, but it's always just ahead and cannot be held, acquired or touched. It always eventually turns into the present. Living in the moment is best - for it is the present, and that is a gift. And the tender mercies? Those are the experiences of healing from past wounds, circumstances and consequences made by my own choice and the affect of imposed consequences of others, as well as learning how to CHOOSE how I want to feel about everything in life. It all boils down to my agency - freedom to choose - and learning to live with the consequences in whatever way I want to. Attitude and choice are mine to make, and I choose to live with love in my heart.

A little white dress

There isn't anything quite as beautiful or as pure as a little girl in a white dress. Both of my beautiful daughters had the privilege of wearing beautiful white dresses both made by my amazing mother. Natalia was given a name and a blessing on July 4, 2010. I was so careful with her dress. I got her all ready for church except for her blessing dress, saving it until a few minutes before Sacrament Meeting to prevent possible blow-outs or wrinkling. Josh gave her a beautiful blessing. I was so proud of him! It's such a comfort being married to a worthy priesthood holder and know that he can perform sacred ordinances in our behalf. He's so cute about it too. He deeply desires to do everything correctly and gets nervous and worried about how to do it. It's all still so new to him. It filled me with peace, warmth and love to hear the beautiful blessing that was pronounced upon our beautiful Natalia. I dearly love my sweet husband!

Well...Natalia needed to be fed right after Sacrament Meeting - just before going to the park for a brunch. Just as she was done eating, she had a blowout in her dress! So I didn't have ANY pictures of her in her blessing dress on the day of her blessing. By the time I got the dress cleaned and ready for pictures, Hali's dress was nearly done. So I planned on having a photoshoot with both girls in their white ordinance dresses.

Hali was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on her birthday, September 11. It was an incredibly special day for us all. She was thrilled to be baptized on her birthday! Right after being baptized as she was changing into her white dress for her confirmation, she kept saying, "I feel SO clean! I feel SO good!" She was positively beaming! She looked so beautiful in her white dress! I was so proud of her! I had been preparing her for that day since Josh and I had met. She came to my primary class and I had the opportunity of teaching her the Gospel and preparing her to be baptized and receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I didn't do it alone, of course. Josh was instructing right alongside me. She also had the wonderful example of our families, extended relatives, cousins, primary teachers and friends. It's hard when you only have the Gospel in your life part-time, but it seems that those examples, experiences, and lessons mean so much to her that they stick and remain with her.

We did a photoshoot at the Temple with both girls in their white dresses. I was SO relieved that Natalia still fit in hers! :0) I am waiting for the CD of pics - so as soon as I get them I will post them! I have seen them though and they are incredibly beautiful! As I looked at my beautiful girls in white at the Temple, my thoughts kept returning to someday having Hali sealed to us. I hope for that day. I long for that day. I pray for that day. And hope that sooner than later we will enter the Temple to be sealed as a WHOLE eternal family!

Summer's End

With school beginning, Autumn is in the air. We've had a really enjoyable Summer and have tried to do a number of fun things and travel (where possible) as much as we can. I've been horrible about taking pictures! And the crazy part is most of the time I have my camera with me - I just forget that I have it and to take pics! Josh is better than me about taking pics, and he gets them on his computer in a more organized fashion than I do, so it's easier to blog with pics when I can get on his computer to do it. Of course, if you know Josh, he's nearly always on his computer...so while he's enjoying his Sunday nap with Natalia, I am blogging and hoping to finish and upload pics before she wakes up!

Josh and I were able to get away for a weekend in June. We decided that we'd like to visit his dad and step mom and siblings in Emery. We chose to go to visit Moab for the weekend and head over to Emery on Sunday and go to Church with them. It was a wonderful weekend! A bit hot, but not overly uncomfortable! It was so nice to get out!!! Here we are in Arches National Park.

We absolutely love Huntsville, Utah! It's our dream place to raise our kids or at least retire to...but our favorite part of Huntsville is spending time with Grandma Wilcox! She is an absolute angel and our lives are so blessed and enriched just being in her home and presence! How we love her! We spent the 24th of July weekend with Grandma and went to the Ogden parade in the morning and finished out our day at Aunt Melanie and Uncle Roy's house for a barbecue potluck and swimming. What a great day!
My favorite part of this picture is that Natalia is already half Hali's size at 3 1/2 months! :0)

Greatest journey of my life!

Me & My Girls

Being a mother is SO many things! It's an absolutely wonderful, body and mind exhausting, challenging, but richly rewarding experience! I have been blessed with two beautiful daughters! As Hali puts it, "Natalia was born from your tummy, and I was born from your heart!" I deeply love them both equally. But given that for Hali I am a part-time mom and Natalia a full-time mom my attention is very split as is my energy. I work hard to be organized enough that, if I am able to, I get my major projects done on Mondays and Tuesdays when I don't have Hali so I am available to do "Mommy" things with her like play dates, swimming, picnics, the splash park, etc. or just be available to allow her the freedom to play with friends during the day and not be in Day Care - which is what she prefers. When Josh and I married it was important to both of us that I be a stay-at-home-mom. I began to scale back my studio and rescheduled the bulk of my students for Mondays and Tuesdays so that I could provide the experience of a stay-at-home-mom for her. I have NO regrets! Especially now that I am a full-time Mom, I enjoy the ability and peace of mind that comes from being able to be the one raising my daughter. Unfortunately in our society, women who stay at home and raise their children and don't work outside their home are looked down upon or thought of as lazy women who do nothing all day. They could not be more wrong and I would challenge anyone who thinks that to try it for a week. Being a mom isn't like working a job from 9-5 with breaks and freedom when you return home, it's a full-time, round the clock, 24/7, on-call, middle of the night, even if you're so tired your head might fall off, even when you don't feel good position. And when that kind of exhaustion creeps in and things feel discouraging and the thought of taking on a heavier work schedule (because I do still have students) begins to tempt me so that I'd have some extra money to be able to afford some luxuries given up by a tighter income and I begin to get discouraged at the 2 a.m. feeding, my beautiful baby looks me in the eyes and with all the love she possesses, she smiles at me and it melts away any doubt or bad feelings and all the sacrifice is more than worth it!


I am several weeks behind on this blog - the greatest part being that I have focused all my extra time getting Natalia's nursery put together, getting the yard in order, cleaning the house, etc. I will do my best to catch things up over the next several weeks! For Father's Day I did a photo shoot with my gorgeous girls by my amazing friend, Brooke Young, as a surprise for Josh. He said it was the best present ever! I most definitely (with all the bias I possess) agree! The pics on here are from that photo shoot. Natalia had just developed the ability to smile on cue! I treasure the look in her eyes as she smiles at me! I'm telling you - being a mom is the best job in the WHOLE universe!!!

Natalia Updated

It breaks my heart that I am SO far behind! My baby girl is now 4 months old! Here are some pics of her the first month! She used to be little! :0)

Here is her first bath

My sleeping beauty!

Hali sure loves her baby sister! (Now Natalia is half Hali's size! LOL)

Nap time with Daddy! These are the precious moments I treasure and cherish!

Natalia

This is my 3rd and hopefully last time trying to get this posted! I've had some challenges, but look forward to getting all this figured out! Here are Natalia's newborn pics. I will post more soon! She's growing SO fast and getting chubby! It's so great! I love being her mommy!

We called, texted, and updated Facebook as soon as we could after she was born! We were so thrilled! She is the sweetest, cutest, most fun thing in our lives! I'm SO grateful for sacred covenants that bind us together as a family! Now we must strive to live worthy of that privilege!

Hypnobabies

I took a birthing class called Hypnobabies. I highly recommend this course for anyone regardless of how you plan on birthing your baby. It was very instructive and helpful on numerous levels. There are are several things we covered, but the two main things we learned was self-hypnosis to aid in deeply relaxing during contractions (called pressure waves) to assist and promote an unmedicated birth and how to release the body's natural anesthetic to help control discomfort.

It was a 6 week course that we attended on Friday nights for approximately 3 hours. It went by quickly because we covered a lot of information as well as practiced new hypnosis scripts. The class always began with an account of how we did that week and had the opportunity to ask any questions and discuss any concerns.

Before we started the class we had our first hypnosis CD that helped us create our "Special Place" - that is where we go to feel safe and to be with our precious baby. The first class we learned about the power of words. We also had an affirmations CD that we listened to daily that helped to prepare our minds and bodies for birth and for the changes in pregnancy. We discussed the anatomy of pregnancy, the power of our thoughts, how fear factors into pregnancy and childbirth, epidural - pros vs. cons. We also had "homework" that we did daily. It was vital to practice daily so that the tools were deeply ingrained and we'd be able to use them.

The second class covered nutrition to aid in pregnancy, water intake, substances to avoid, comfort in pregnancy, pregnancy exercises (these were awesome in preparing the body for birth as well as helping the baby to be in the best birthing position), stages of birthing time, baby kindness, and early parenting.

The third class covered birthing choices, choices during childbirth, choices in second stage, how to get what you want in your birth experience, creating a birth plan, information about "big" babies, packing list for birthing time, and information about doulas.

The fourth class covered "guess dates", engagement, signs of your birthing time, release of your membranes, waterbirthing, timing birthing waves, preparing for your birthing day, birth partner information (husband, mom, etc.), vaginal exams, creating a birthing environment, epidural information, chiropractic care, optimal fetal positioning, and birthing ball use.

The fifth class covered transformation stage, mother-directed pushing, cesarean facts, breech babies (and how to get them to turn), and how to avoid an unnecessary cesarean.

The sixth class covered postpartum care for mom, baby's care, newborn procedures, baby care plan, newborn issues, newborn appearance, the mind of a newborn, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and shifting the "what if" paradigm.

There were several hypnosis scripts to practice deepening hypnosis and anesthesia, and some to do together with the birth partner. It was VERY helpful to have my birth partner (husband) involved and to know certain "cues" to be able to help me during my birthing time. He was so supportive and calm during the whole process which helped me to be able to stay calm and relax through pressure waves and through transition. The information is supportive of unmedicated natural childbirth. I found that releasing my body's anesthetic to be an irritating tingle at first. I was able to program my thinking to interpret the anesthetic as warm and comfortable, and the best part is that it worked! There were a number of times during my pregnancy when I experienced discomfort and used the peace cues to release my body's anesthetic and experienced INSTANT relief! I knew that this process would work for me! And I trusted it completely. Toward the end of my pregnancy I wasn't practicing everything daily. I expected it all to work for me. When I was in active labor, it came on so quickly, and my discomfort was manageable that I didn't begin using my tools until later. That made me panic because my thinking was, "I was supposed to be doing this at this point and I'm not!" I felt like I needed to catch up. Although that was untrue, it prevented me from doing deep hypnosis. I used some of my skills and tools, but not all of them and not in their fullness or entirety. What I used worked for me during childbirth. It made me sad that I didn't use all of the skills and tools that I had acquired and didn't experience the full Hypnobabies experience! 70% of women report a PAIN-FREE birthing experience. Unfortunately mine was not pain-free. But it was manageable. I will most definitely be doing this again the next time I am pregnant. There was something so richly rewarding about birthing a calm healthy baby. My baby was born in a birthing center using waterbirth and the Hypnobabies techniques. She was never stressed - not even in the birth canal. She was very calm and alert right after she was born. It was the most amazing feeling! And the most wonderful gift I could give my baby girl! She got a very healthy start on life and there is nothing more rewarding than that!

Our Baby

Our sweet Natalia Grace was born on April 5, 2010 at 6:47 a.m. She was 9 lbs. 1 oz. and 23 inches long. Her birth was one of the most amazing experiences of my life! I had decided before I was married that I wanted to do waterbirth and preferred to have a natural birth without any kind of medication or drugs. From all the research I did I found that the most gentle way for a baby to enter the World was in a familiar environment - from a fluid environment (amniotic fluid) to a water environment before her little body became subject to gravity, light, sound, etc. I was right. My sweet baby was never stressed. Not even in the birth canal. She was so calm and alert right after she was born! My midwife handed her to me where she laid in my arms while we waited for the placenta to be delivered. We waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsating before clamping and cutting it. In doing so Natalia received all the nourishment and oxygen that her body needed to function independently from my body. Josh was able to sever our connection. He was AMAZING! My sweet husband was SO supportive and comforting. He was with me every step of the way and was my partner through everything! How I love my dear husband!

We took a birthing class called Hypnobabies. It was amazing! It taught us how to relax deeply using self-hypnosis and use the body's natural anesthetic to control discomfort during birthing time. The affirmations were very helpful in preparing my mind and body for birth. I was completely at peace with her arriving when she was ready. My body handled pregnancy VERY well! I gained over 50 lbs. without gaining any stretch marks! What a miracle! It's been 3 weeks and I'm only 13 lbs. away from my starting weight. I think I finally found a perk to being 6 feet tall! :) I was horribly disappointed in myself in how I used the skills I had acquired for birth. I practiced my hypnosis and knew it would work for me - there were many occasions when I was experiencing discomfort and used the cues that released my body's anesthetic and the pain was instantly gone. I trusted the process, but when it came time to use it I wasn't very successful. Labor came on very quickly and I delayed starting hypnosis in part because I wasn't sure if it was really go time and I could manage the discomfort I felt. Once I knew it was active labor and we would be having a baby shortly my thoughts turned to "I'm at this point and I should've already been doing this - how do I catch up now?" I should've immediately used my skills. I used some of them and when I did they were very successful. I'm so sad I didn't get the full Hypnobabies experience (over 70 % report a pain-free birthing experience). But I have NO regrets! I had a beautiful healthy baby naturally with NO medication or drugs. That was my ultimate goal. I will most definitely do it again! But the next time I'll be more prepared!

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! I will be posting updates about our family and thoughts and experiences from my heart as regularly as time permits. It will take some time to get this all figured out and setup, but I will keep working on it. Check back later for updates and changes!
~Kennessa